My whole life seems driven by performance. Whether at work, with deadlines and production standards, or at home, with being "the good wife," or with friends, by trying to meet others needs, I feel like I'm in a constant state of doing and even the smallest glitch throws my carefully balanced life hopelessly out of control.
So I try to bargain with God. I try to do all the right things hoping He won't send any of those little glitches my way. And what's worse, when I do fail, I feel like God will send those mishaps to punish me for disappointing Him. I begin to anticipate that bad things will happen if I think I've failed Him.
But God is not a pagan god who can be wheedled into obeying my whims. He is not a God whom I have given form. And to let myself be mired down by these thoughts is to show contempt for his grace.
Oswald Chambers said, "The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others." I do not receive grace based on my performance, but on His performance on the Cross. Thank God for that!
I feel like God has been sending me those little glitches lately to remind me that I can't do this on my own or through my own performance. They're keeping me unbalanced, incapable of relying on myself. They're reminding me to look at Him, not at what I am doing for Him.
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