This evening I decided to "treat" myself. After all, I've had a fairly rough week, and I thought I deserved a little special treatment. So I ran me a nice hot bubble bath (three cap-fuls for extra bubbles) and settled in with Tozer's "The Knowledge of the Holy". I came across this:

"Many call themselves by the name of Christ, talk much about God, and pray to Him sometimes, but evidently do not know who He is."

My first reaction was: yeah, those people are stupid.

Then God gently reminded me that I'm one of "those people". Here I was, sitting in a tub of hot, sudsy water, thinking I deserve all the blessings in my life. While I had been thinking about how rough my day was, I was reminded about those who don't have warm water for a bath, much less clean water to drink. I have been blessed to born in this country, blessed to have a job, blessed to be able to afford scented bubble bath and nail polishes and all sorts of cosmetics that are luxuries to the majority of the world.

I realized how easy it is to lose sight of God and focus instead on what I think I've "earned". Not that I'm not to enjoy my blessings. God has been gracious enough to give me everything I need and then some. However, I need to remember to use those blessings to bless others and not to hoard them away. And that I didn't do anything to merit them, but I received them anyway. That's grace.

performance driven faith

My whole life seems driven by performance. Whether at work, with deadlines and production standards, or at home, with being "the good wife," or with friends, by trying to meet others needs, I feel like I'm in a constant state of doing and even the smallest glitch throws my carefully balanced life hopelessly out of control.

So I try to bargain with God. I try to do all the right things hoping He won't send any of those little glitches my way. And what's worse, when I do fail, I feel like God will send those mishaps to punish me for disappointing Him. I begin to anticipate that bad things will happen if I think I've failed Him.

But God is not a pagan god who can be wheedled into obeying my whims. He is not a God whom I have given form. And to let myself be mired down by these thoughts is to show contempt for his grace.

Oswald Chambers said, "The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others." I do not receive grace based on my performance, but on His performance on the Cross. Thank God for that!

I feel like God has been sending me those little glitches lately to remind me that I can't do this on my own or through my own performance. They're keeping me unbalanced, incapable of relying on myself. They're reminding me to look at Him, not at what I am doing for Him.

what we know

"That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thought about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what is is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God."

A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

How many of us are content with what we have learned about God from Sunday school? What would Christianity look like to the world if we were more passionate about knowing our God? Why do so many of us settle for what we already know about God instead of daring to go deeper?

praise or doctrine

My husband and I are notorious church-hoppers. Since moving to the area almost a year and half ago, we still don't have a church home. Today we once again checked out a new church. The hubby and I are more reformed in our theology (one of his friends has jokingly called my husband a "conservative hippie Calvinist"), so we've been checking out some of the local Presbyterian congregations, though we both belong to a Baptist church in our old hometown. We agree with most of the PCA's doctrinal statements, and I've loved the sermons at both of the Presbyterian churches that we recently visited (very deep and "meaty"). However, the worship style has been very solemn. I told my husband after church this morning that during worship, I felt like I was at a funeral. The songs were slow, mournful and accompanied by nothing but a piano. Yet, the churches that we've visiting that have more enthusiastic worship have also had a more light and fluffy style of preaching - feel-good, but no substance.

Why can't we get both? I want rockin' worship, the kind you can tap your foot to and even (gasp!) raise your hands to. But I also want a meatier sermon...something that I can mull over, ponder and chew on for the rest of the day, not just a superficial message about what a nice, loving God we have.

To make up for the worship this morning, I came home and put on the modern gospel station while I crocheted. I guess for now, that will have to do.