I can't seem to make myself want to go. Every Sunday morning I wake up, crawl a little deeper under the covers and think, "no, I don't want to go today". It doesn't help that the rest of my week feels like one whirlwind event after another leaving me drained and exhausted my the weekend. Then church becomes one more thing to check off on my to-do list rather than a place for spiritual feeding and fellowship. And it doesn't make it any easier that my husband works 9 pm to 5 am on Saturday nights, making his struggle to make it up in time for worship service actually valid.
And it's not just the church that we are attending; I've struggled with this ever since college. I had a bad "experience" in high school with the church and its youth group that I had started attending after I was saved. I was never really welcomed there, just tolerated, and when my boyfriend (who was the golden boy of the church) broke things off with me, no one really understood why I didn't make myself scarce. And after facing that attitude, I did make myself very scarce...and stumbled down a road I wish I never would have. I had such a strong faith back in high school and a earnest passion for church, both of which quickly died after I left off for college, despite the fact that I was attending a Christian college and working on my BA in Christian studies.
I miss my "first love." I want to feel involved and accepted into a fellowship again, but I'm scared that it will be conditional like it was last time. All of this has been over ten years ago, and there are still times when I'm filled up with bitterness at the thought of those I imagine as having wronged me. And I have to fight the desire to go to a church where I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm deadlocked and Christ can't possibly want this for me. I've been praying to be able to forgive those people for about five years now, but do I really want to forgive them? Or has all this unhappiness and anger become a safety blanket for me, cushioning me from getting too close to another group of believers "just in case" I might get hurt again.
Joan C. Webb writes in The Relief of Imperfection
Some things we will never understand, like why God chooses to partner with imperfect, limited human beings; who God calls to lead; why some spiritual leaders abuse and hurt others; how people can study and memorize Scripture and then disrespect God's children. It doesn't make sense to us. It's not how it's supposed to be. Yet we heighten our pain when we silently insist that other Christians (especially our leaders) must be perfect, doing things just the way we believe they should. And we increase our stress when we insist that just because we long to, we should serve others flawlessly.
I expected those who had hurt me, who were spiritual leaders, to behave perfectly. But in the end, they were human, and they were humans who happened not to like me very much. And for a girl who has strived since elementary school to be likable, it was a hard blow to take. But how long can I let all of this stop me from moving forward, from growing deeper in my relationship with Christ? In the end, I'm only the victim if I let myself be.
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