slave to the scale

I have been losing weight. Trimming up. My pants have been loose and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Until I stepped on the scale today.

I've gained three pounds.

And my whole day turned sour looking at those ominous numbers glowing red. I cried. I swore I would eat nothing but raw veggies for the next week. Work out every day. Only drink water. Cancel my breakfast date with my husband to stay at home and eat fat free yogurt instead.

All over three pounds.

As I drove home this afternoon, still teary eyed, and full of regrets, I had a heart to heart with God. In the First Place 4 Health book the author challenges the reader to confront his/her negative eating habits and look for why they indulge in unhealthy behavior. I have to be honest, when I read that, I skimmed right over the "take a moment to journal" space and kept on going. I felt like I didn't need to dwell on the reasoning behind my bad habits. I had a poor self-image, I ate when stressed, blah, blah, blah, moving on now. But on the commute home I asked God to really show me why I overeat and choose nutritionally-poor foods.

The answer is really simple. I self-medicate with food. Feeling glum? I'll eat a piece of cake. Stressed? Give my husband the puppy-eyes and ask him to go pick up fresh doughnuts. That time of the month? Gotta have chocolate chip cookie dough to offset my crankiness.

In other words, I don't rely on God. At all. I don't trust Him to get me through a rough day, but I trust a Hershey's chocolate bar. Rather than leaning on my Savior to support and sustain me, I eat. I'm always justifying that one little splurge...and that little splurge comes almost once a day.

The scarier part is I honestly don't know how to overcome this mindset. I've lived this way since middle school, probably longer. I will literally have to unlearn a frame of mind that I've had for over fifteen years. I have no choice but to trust God more now than ever before. Otherwise, I'll keep focusing on what the scale tells me.

getting skinny for Jesus

I finally broke down and bought the First Place 4 Health book. Immediately after buying the book, my husband and I went out for lunch where I bought a fried chicken basket from Rush's (a local fast food chain). That was a month ago. I just started reading the book this week.

So can you tell how serious I am about this? It's taken me one month to read the introduction. I haven't even started chapter one yet. I drag my feet enough when it comes to those pesky little words "diet" and "exercise", but start throwing in Scripture references and I down-right get sulky. And skeptical. I already feel unworthy looking at the cover of Self magazine, now your going to show me another skinny cover-model and imply that not only is she skinnier than me, she's more spiritual? Egads.

And why do we have to take a diet and exercise program and make it biblical in the first place? Just so we can sell it in Christian book stores? Just because we know eating healthy and exercise is good for us, does not mean we have to find this truth in Scripture. The Bible is an anthology of spiritual teachings, not a workout plan or a biology text book. The focus of Scripture is God and how man can relate to Him. Yet, we tend to take Scripture that has spiritual applications and try to bend it to meet a certain topic. People take the story of Daniel and how he refused to eat the king's food because it violated purity laws. He asked to eat only certain foods not because they were intrinsically better for him, but because he wanted to fulfill the law. And God blessed this by making him fitter than those eating the king's food. Yet, people take this Scripture which focuses on obeying God's word and run away with it, formulating some perfect diet plan that somehow obliges God to help you lose weight.

Yet, here I am reading a Bible-study/healthy living plan. The fact remains that just because the Bible does not explicitly tell me that eating right and exercise are good for me doesn't negate the fact that these are good things. And I like the holistic approach that the First Place 4 Health program seems to endorse. The emphasis is growing in all four areas of life: physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional. So, I'm still a little skeptical, but I'm going to give it a try. We'll just have to see.

the hazards of journals

I've been reading through my older journals, marveling at how so many petty things seemed so monumentally important at the time. Tiffs between friends, minor grievances that were so important at the time, pages of teenage angst. It's laughable and highly embarrassing.

I did notice a pattern though: I seem to describe the same spiritual struggles, over and over and over again. Feeling spiritually "dry", struggling to attend church, neglecting quiet time and Bible study, out right ignoring prayer. The same themes run through each journal.

And I've been a Christian for over ten years.

Frankly, it's scary that I've seemingly not grown for the past decade. I've seen no victory, no triumph. I've studied theology, read through the Bible five times, read numerous Christian living books, but have I gotten anything out of it? Or has it all been outward motions, white-washed tombs?

All I can say is, Jesus, forgive me.

I've been telling myself for the past few months that I'm just in one of those "desert places" - which is a nice euphemism for saying "I just really don't care any more." Studying my journals makes me think it's not so much a temporary thing as an underlying condition. For a majority of the past few years my heart has been cold and unmoved, and I have done very little to change that. I haven't done anything to fight this apathy. Nor have I called out for God to save me from myself.

Because who knows what God might do if I honestly ask Him to wake me up? He might ask me to do something crazy. Something outside my comfort zone. And I'm going to be completely honest: I don't know if I love Jesus enough to step outside my comfort zone.

I want to love Him that much. I want to love Him enough to drop the act, get rid of all the pettiness, to step out and live my life one hundred percent for Him. But fear chokes me, holds me back, and has kept me in the same spot spiritually for years.

And I just let it happen. I let my circumstances dictate how I was going to live. I let the worry of bills stop me from even dreaming of a more meaningful life. I sat back and judged others while my own heart was a withered pit inside my chest. And I've been jealous of others who God has blessed with a ministry; I've mocked and belittled their work, refusing to see God's hand it in.

I'm rather overwhelmed by my own stupidity. I would beat my chest and rend my clothing, but I'm wearing one of my husband's shirts and I don't think he would appreciate it. Joking aside, God has been gracious enough to show me how big of a fool I am.

I know I can't get up from this computer and do anything to change this. That's a God thing. It's a grace thing. It's time for the hard part: to step back and let God do what He wills.

Is obesity a sin?

I recently read (well, partially read) the post "The Poison of Quaint Moralism" over at The Resurgence. While obesity isn't the point of Tyler Jone's article, one part really jumped out at me:

"The obesity crisis in our culture is a perfect example. We are killing ourselves with things that have the appearance of health but in actuality are destructive. No one has ever become obese from eating vegetables! No doctor has ever said, "Your consumption of grapes is going to be the end of you." No, it's the 2000-calorie hamburger with sausage and bacon on top that is making us obese. Commercials, web advertisements, and billboards depict our favorite indulgence, causing us to drool like Pavlov's dog before we consume to our own death. These foods have the appearance of health but they poison us."

Okay, yes, we Americans, in general, are a fat nation. But this is the second reference to obesity I've seen over at The Resurgence's website. The Resurgence is a website more or less devoted to Reformed theology/doctrine/etc. So why are they so down on people who have weight problems?

As I mentioned in an earlier post, weight problems can point to sin issues of overindulgence or lack of discipline. But is obesity in and of itself a sin? I've watched plenty of people diet, exercise and deny themselves every little pleasure of the food variety....and never drop a pound. These people do not overindulge but rather practice a level of discipline that I stand in awe of...but through a twist of genetics, they just can't drop those pounds.

As a woman, I already have too many expectations placed on me regarding my appearance coming from secular sources...now it seems like the church is going to start chiming in. To be the good Christian woman, do I need to wear khakis, blouses in pastel colors, have styled/colored hair, and wear a size 6? I'm already under enough pressure to have the right clothes, the right makeup, the right jewelry when I'm out in the world. I don't want to have to worry about those things when I walk into church on Sunday morning in order to worship.

fat v. fit and the Christian

I came across an article entitled "Pastor, You're Probably Fat: 6 Things to Do About It" over on The Resurgence website today. The idea of obesity as a spiritual problem is something that is hard for me to accept. When I go into the local Christian bookstore and see a whole section on health, I cringe. I can't help but think "how does my weight have anything to do with my walk with God?"

However, the article made a few good points (six actually...ha ha). The point that really hit home was this: "The very evidence of fat in a person’s life demonstrates that there are some spiritual areas that need attention regarding compulsions and lazy behaviors." My eating habits really do show my overall lack of discipline in my life. Most of the time when I eat out it's not because its a special occasion or a social gathering, but because I'm just too plain lazy, either to cook or to shop to get groceries. Also, I have a hard time telling my body no. I use excuses such as "I'm stressed" or "it's that time" to justify cramming my face with all sorts of unhealthy foods. Not that I feel I need to or should give up everything I like, but there comes a time for some moderation.

I still don't know if 1 Corinthians 6:19-20* really is a good Scriptural reference for dieting. I'm not buying into those "Biblical" diets out there (like the Eden diet). But I do want to have more discipline in my life, and controlling what I eat will be a major challenge. I've been toying with the idea of checking out the First Place 4 Health books, and this article may just have given me the motivation to try it.

* "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (ESV)

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The cares of this world have really been dragging me down the past few weeks. Between the car accident, the trip, stresses at work, the never ending clutter at home, I almost feel like I can't breathe. On top of all of it, church feels like just another chore, another thing on my impossibly long to-do list to mark off. I managed to drag myself there last Sunday morning, but I left feeling so tired that my husband actually commented on how ragged I looked. Not that I didn't enjoy the sermon or the worship, it just left me feeling drained.

I feel out of balance. I've been missing my devotions, eating too much, exercising too little, and over all doing nothing productive. And I carry so much of my self-worth in my productivity. I feel like I have to be doing something all of the time or that I'm a waste.

I know this isn't biblical. But if I have a hard time believing my husband when he tells me how beautiful/wonderful I am, how can I possibly believe the infinite Creator of the universe? I carry this little seed of doubt in me. I can apply the verse "you were fearfully and wonderfully made" to other people, but not to myself. It's like in my mind I'm the one exception to that rule, so I have to make up for it somehow.

Ultimately, that's just plain egotistical of me, to think I'm somehow "other" that I fall outside of God's grace. I say I rely on His grace, but then I scramble to prove myself: to God, my husband, my parents, my co-workers, my friends. When all the time God tells me I have nothing to prove.

Now I just have to work on truly believing that.