I did notice a pattern though: I seem to describe the same spiritual struggles, over and over and over again. Feeling spiritually "dry", struggling to attend church, neglecting quiet time and Bible study, out right ignoring prayer. The same themes run through each journal.
And I've been a Christian for over ten years.
Frankly, it's scary that I've seemingly not grown for the past decade. I've seen no victory, no triumph. I've studied theology, read through the Bible five times, read numerous Christian living books, but have I gotten anything out of it? Or has it all been outward motions, white-washed tombs?
All I can say is, Jesus, forgive me.
I've been telling myself for the past few months that I'm just in one of those "desert places" - which is a nice euphemism for saying "I just really don't care any more." Studying my journals makes me think it's not so much a temporary thing as an underlying condition. For a majority of the past few years my heart has been cold and unmoved, and I have done very little to change that. I haven't done anything to fight this apathy. Nor have I called out for God to save me from myself.
Because who knows what God might do if I honestly ask Him to wake me up? He might ask me to do something crazy. Something outside my comfort zone. And I'm going to be completely honest: I don't know if I love Jesus enough to step outside my comfort zone.
I want to love Him that much. I want to love Him enough to drop the act, get rid of all the pettiness, to step out and live my life one hundred percent for Him. But fear chokes me, holds me back, and has kept me in the same spot spiritually for years.
And I just let it happen. I let my circumstances dictate how I was going to live. I let the worry of bills stop me from even dreaming of a more meaningful life. I sat back and judged others while my own heart was a withered pit inside my chest. And I've been jealous of others who God has blessed with a ministry; I've mocked and belittled their work, refusing to see God's hand it in.
I'm rather overwhelmed by my own stupidity. I would beat my chest and rend my clothing, but I'm wearing one of my husband's shirts and I don't think he would appreciate it. Joking aside, God has been gracious enough to show me how big of a fool I am.
I know I can't get up from this computer and do anything to change this. That's a God thing. It's a grace thing. It's time for the hard part: to step back and let God do what He wills.
1 comment:
I *think* I've just come out of a spiritual winter that has lasted about five years. I've been really consistent in my prayer time and Bible reading for the past month. It's a start--but mainly I've experienced a change in my attitude. The apathy is melting away into what will hopefully be a long spiritual spring of growth and renewal.
I say this in hopes that it will encourage you. I did ask God to get me out of that spiritual winter. He didn't respond in the timing and way I wanted. It took a lot longer than I would have preferred, but it did happen. I believe it will happen with you, too. It just takes some time. What God does in that time is sometimes more important than we realize until we're on the other side of it.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
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