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The cares of this world have really been dragging me down the past few weeks. Between the car accident, the trip, stresses at work, the never ending clutter at home, I almost feel like I can't breathe. On top of all of it, church feels like just another chore, another thing on my impossibly long to-do list to mark off. I managed to drag myself there last Sunday morning, but I left feeling so tired that my husband actually commented on how ragged I looked. Not that I didn't enjoy the sermon or the worship, it just left me feeling drained.

I feel out of balance. I've been missing my devotions, eating too much, exercising too little, and over all doing nothing productive. And I carry so much of my self-worth in my productivity. I feel like I have to be doing something all of the time or that I'm a waste.

I know this isn't biblical. But if I have a hard time believing my husband when he tells me how beautiful/wonderful I am, how can I possibly believe the infinite Creator of the universe? I carry this little seed of doubt in me. I can apply the verse "you were fearfully and wonderfully made" to other people, but not to myself. It's like in my mind I'm the one exception to that rule, so I have to make up for it somehow.

Ultimately, that's just plain egotistical of me, to think I'm somehow "other" that I fall outside of God's grace. I say I rely on His grace, but then I scramble to prove myself: to God, my husband, my parents, my co-workers, my friends. When all the time God tells me I have nothing to prove.

Now I just have to work on truly believing that.