dormant

This blog has sat dormant for a year and a half.  On a whim, I went and updated another one of my blogs.  I hadn't really planned on posting over here, but then I looked at the stats.  Over a thousand page views?  19 comments posted?

OK, that's really small.

But for little ol' me, that was kind of a big deal.  Like maybe this blog wasn't completely pointless.

So maybe I'll start posting again.  Do book reviews, rants, and rambles.  The thing is I struggle with discipline, and maintaining a blog is a discipline   At least when you want it to be a little more than one more black hole on the internet.  So, no, I don't have a vision for this blog.  No big ideas of what to cover or even what to do from this point.  And this blog might just sit dormant for another year and a half.

But maybe it's time for me to start actually trying to articulate what I think.  My husband is the "amateur apologist" in the family.  The idea of even entering into any kind of debate or trying to sensibly express my thoughts and beliefs leaves me feeling faint.  But I'm kind of tired of being a Christian Cowardly-Lion.  There is a lot to be said for living out your faith, but if you never express what that faith is, is it really doing anyone around you any good?

So here goes nothin'.

Ash Wednesday

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (ESV)

Something to think about as we start the season of Lent.

Book Review: Revitalize Your Spiritual Life

I just finished up Revitalize Your Spiritual Life: A Woman's Guide for Vibrant Christian Living. It's a compilation of excerpts from some of the women writers over at Thomas Nelson publishers, featuring snippets from books by Shelia Walsh, Stormie Omartian, and others. It could easily be described as a sampler of the publisher's women's interest books. The book is set up topically, covering two broad motifs: "The Things That Keep Us Stuck" and "The Things That Set Us Free".

These aren't authors I normally read. In fact, I have never read anything else by any of the authors featured. Stormie Omartian was the only writer I recognized, and the featured book Confessions of a Good Christian Girl was the only book I had considered purchasing out of all of the books featured. Normally I am very cynical about Christian living books geared toward women. They all seem to say the same thing and just add to already existing feelings of inadequacy. The genre seems to promote the image of that perfect modern Christian woman (the Proverbs 31 wife in khakis and pastel-colored blouses).

So I set my cynicism aside and starting reading. I didn't really like the sampler style as it felt it jumped around a bit, and I had to adjust to each writer's style from page to page. I was able to pick out author's I would be interested in picking up some more of their books - and others I would probably avoid.

As for the content, I have to admit I was surprised. Yes, there were bits of the same-old, same-old content. But I honestly found the book re-freshing. Even if the content wasn't completely new, I was challenged and encouraged by the writers. It began as a book I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy and it ended with over a dozen sticky tabs sticking out of the side, marking portions that really spoke to me.

So here is my final opinion: if you want deep, theological teaching you might want to skip it (not that the writer's aren't theologically sound - but if you're wanting straight theology, doctrine or apologetics, this isn't it). But if you want a little boost, a book that's easy to read and that will encourage you, it's a good read.

"Knowledge of the Bible never comes by intuition; it can only be got by hard, regular, daily, attentive, wakeful reading. Do we grudge the time and trouble this will cost us? If we do we are not yet fit for the kingdom of God." J.C. Ryle, Commentary on Matthew

Book Review: The Christian Atheist

I just finished reading The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but Living as if He Doesn't Exist by Craig Groeschel, so I thought I would write up a little review to have something to post. The title is pretty self-explanatory. Groeschel is addressing what seems to be a growing problem in today's church: those who call themselves Christians but go on living their lives any sort of way. Each chapter is geared toward a specific way we may profess Christ, but live contrary to those beliefs. They range from the basics (chapter one being "When You Believe in God But Don't Really Know Him") to very specific topics (such as chapter eleven: "When You Believe in God But Don't Share Your Faith").

When I first stared reading The Christian Atheist, I thought I was going to have to force myself through the book. I don't know much about Groeschel himself, and I'm usually a little uneasy of a book when I'm not sure of the author's theology prior to reading it. The first few chapters covered general topics like not really knowing God or being ashamed of your past. The book really started catching my attention in Chapter 4 with "When You Believe in God but Not in Prayer". That's when it started truly getting challenging, and it seemed to just keep building from there. By the time I got to the last two chapters, the book was hard to read, not because it was boring and generic, but because it was so convicting. I found myself racing through the chapter about sharing your faith because evangelism is extremely hard for me (being an incredibly shy person). I had to force myself to slow down and really focus, because so much of what he was saying made me uncomfortable - because it made me realize I wasn't really living like a Christian after all!

Over all, I would definitely recommend The Christian Atheist. It's easy to read, with plenty of humorous anecdotes to keep your attention. But the focus of the book is the call to truly live your life out for Christ. Groeschel brings the reader's attention to the supremacy of Christ and how we are called to live differently from the rest of the world.

How Firm a Foundation

slave to the scale

I have been losing weight. Trimming up. My pants have been loose and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Until I stepped on the scale today.

I've gained three pounds.

And my whole day turned sour looking at those ominous numbers glowing red. I cried. I swore I would eat nothing but raw veggies for the next week. Work out every day. Only drink water. Cancel my breakfast date with my husband to stay at home and eat fat free yogurt instead.

All over three pounds.

As I drove home this afternoon, still teary eyed, and full of regrets, I had a heart to heart with God. In the First Place 4 Health book the author challenges the reader to confront his/her negative eating habits and look for why they indulge in unhealthy behavior. I have to be honest, when I read that, I skimmed right over the "take a moment to journal" space and kept on going. I felt like I didn't need to dwell on the reasoning behind my bad habits. I had a poor self-image, I ate when stressed, blah, blah, blah, moving on now. But on the commute home I asked God to really show me why I overeat and choose nutritionally-poor foods.

The answer is really simple. I self-medicate with food. Feeling glum? I'll eat a piece of cake. Stressed? Give my husband the puppy-eyes and ask him to go pick up fresh doughnuts. That time of the month? Gotta have chocolate chip cookie dough to offset my crankiness.

In other words, I don't rely on God. At all. I don't trust Him to get me through a rough day, but I trust a Hershey's chocolate bar. Rather than leaning on my Savior to support and sustain me, I eat. I'm always justifying that one little splurge...and that little splurge comes almost once a day.

The scarier part is I honestly don't know how to overcome this mindset. I've lived this way since middle school, probably longer. I will literally have to unlearn a frame of mind that I've had for over fifteen years. I have no choice but to trust God more now than ever before. Otherwise, I'll keep focusing on what the scale tells me.

David Crowder Band - Come Thou Fount

snippet

Just a thought, but in response to atheists who assert that God is unnecessary, how does saying he is unnecessary disprove his existence? I may dislike someone and think that they are unnecessary but that doesn't mean he or she doesn't exist. Likewise, even though I am an adult and no longer rely on my parents does not mean my parents simply wink out of existence because they are no longer necessary to my survival. So theologically, we may say that as humans we have come to a point that we no longer need God, however, does that really negate his existence. Of course, I'm probably completely misunderstanding the logic that atheists are using in their statement. Just saying though....

"If I become content by having my desire satisfied, that is only self-love, but when I am contented with the hand of God and am willing to be at his disposal, that comes from my love to God." Jeremiah Burroughs, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment

new name

I've probably broken some sacred code of bloggers, but I've changed the name of my blog from "Learning to Breathe" to "This Pilgrim's Progress." I used the new name as a title a few posts back, and it's been stuck in my head since. First, it's a really witty pun of John Bunyan's classic "The Pilgrim's Progress". Second, I feel like it better expresses what I want to accomplish with this blog: a chronicle of the "average" Christian's walk. A relationship with God is an ever-changing thing, just like any other relationship. There are good days and bad, days when you feel impossibly close and days when you realized you haven't talked for weeks. So I hope I can be honest with myself and be genuine in what I write here. I'm not the best writer, and I'm certainly not the "best" Christian, but I hope just by being honest with who I am, maybe people will be able to see beyond me and get a glimpse at the God I worship.

Song Of Hope- Robbie Seay Band

this pilgrim's progress

2011. A new year. Well, five days into that new year. Obviously, I didn't make any resolutions for overcoming procrastination or being more consistent with my blogging. To be honest, I didn't want to make any resolutions this year despite my sparkling success at the only resolution I made last year: to read 100 books in one year. I read 102 - booyah!

Still, with the new year, I couldn't help but make a mental list of all the things I wanted to change and/or improve. Lose some weight. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Read more in my Bible. Pray more often and with my husband. Attend Bible study/church regularly. Talk to my mom and mother-in-law more frequently. Visit my grandparents more often.

In the midst of my mind buzzing with all the things I could do better, all the ways that I just didn't feel quite adequate, God told me one simple thing: rest. He reminded me that I strive too hard to accomplish what I simply cannot do on my own. And when I'm too busy running after my own accomplishments, not only do I not glorify Him, I end up ignoring Him all together.

So this year I've set simple, more Christ-centric goals. 1) To read through the four Gospels and really study them. 2) To read one spiritually-enriching book a month, whether it's a Christian classic or a modern Christian living book. Through these resolutions I hope to keep bringing my focus back to God and His glory. So this year I'll be praying Psalm 51:10: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." I can't wait to see where God leads me from here.

Shelly Moore Band - "Jesus I Come"

faith and friendship

Can a Christian and an atheist truly be friends?

Before you label me as a wacko Fundamentalist that wants to lock herself in a Christian-only bubble, let me clarify my question. To me, friendship is based on mutual respect, shared convictions, similar interests, and a deep concern for all aspects of the other's life. Of course a Christian can be friends with an atheist and vice versa. There's plenty of non-religious topics to talk about, movies to watch, hobbies to share. You can (and ought to) respect other's beliefs, regardless of whether they line up with yours 100%. And you can even share convictions with non-religious individuals (I know plenty of non-religious people who are monogamists).

So on the surface, sure, a Christian and an atheist can be really good friends as a matter of fact.

But can you be friends with the atheist who isn't just content with not believing in God, but who views religion as a whole as dangerous and believes that the world would be better off without any religion? Can someone demand that I respect their beliefs that are contrary to my own, but then disregard everything I hold dear? Can you really degrade a whole class of people (ie Christians), but then also truly care for the one Christian that happens to be your friend? If you think that the whole lot of Christians are morons, can you still honestly believe that one Christian is bright, intelligent and has anything worthwhile to say?

I think the real heart of the matter is the atheist doesn't realize what he is saying. He doesn't realize that when he tears down a religion as a whole, he's also tearing down that one Christian friend. And vice versa. The fact of the matter is that there is no "general" Christian or atheist. We're not all fundamentalists or militant atheists. But when we attack one anther, we only see black and white. We try to protect our friends by putting them in some gray area that falls outside of all of our generalizations, and then we become blind to that fact that we're really hating on them too.

So it's really not a matter of can a Christian and an atheist be friends. It's more can you profess to hate a generalized class of people and really be able to love anyone at all.

getting skinny for Jesus

I finally broke down and bought the First Place 4 Health book. Immediately after buying the book, my husband and I went out for lunch where I bought a fried chicken basket from Rush's (a local fast food chain). That was a month ago. I just started reading the book this week.

So can you tell how serious I am about this? It's taken me one month to read the introduction. I haven't even started chapter one yet. I drag my feet enough when it comes to those pesky little words "diet" and "exercise", but start throwing in Scripture references and I down-right get sulky. And skeptical. I already feel unworthy looking at the cover of Self magazine, now your going to show me another skinny cover-model and imply that not only is she skinnier than me, she's more spiritual? Egads.

And why do we have to take a diet and exercise program and make it biblical in the first place? Just so we can sell it in Christian book stores? Just because we know eating healthy and exercise is good for us, does not mean we have to find this truth in Scripture. The Bible is an anthology of spiritual teachings, not a workout plan or a biology text book. The focus of Scripture is God and how man can relate to Him. Yet, we tend to take Scripture that has spiritual applications and try to bend it to meet a certain topic. People take the story of Daniel and how he refused to eat the king's food because it violated purity laws. He asked to eat only certain foods not because they were intrinsically better for him, but because he wanted to fulfill the law. And God blessed this by making him fitter than those eating the king's food. Yet, people take this Scripture which focuses on obeying God's word and run away with it, formulating some perfect diet plan that somehow obliges God to help you lose weight.

Yet, here I am reading a Bible-study/healthy living plan. The fact remains that just because the Bible does not explicitly tell me that eating right and exercise are good for me doesn't negate the fact that these are good things. And I like the holistic approach that the First Place 4 Health program seems to endorse. The emphasis is growing in all four areas of life: physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional. So, I'm still a little skeptical, but I'm going to give it a try. We'll just have to see.

the hazards of journals

I've been reading through my older journals, marveling at how so many petty things seemed so monumentally important at the time. Tiffs between friends, minor grievances that were so important at the time, pages of teenage angst. It's laughable and highly embarrassing.

I did notice a pattern though: I seem to describe the same spiritual struggles, over and over and over again. Feeling spiritually "dry", struggling to attend church, neglecting quiet time and Bible study, out right ignoring prayer. The same themes run through each journal.

And I've been a Christian for over ten years.

Frankly, it's scary that I've seemingly not grown for the past decade. I've seen no victory, no triumph. I've studied theology, read through the Bible five times, read numerous Christian living books, but have I gotten anything out of it? Or has it all been outward motions, white-washed tombs?

All I can say is, Jesus, forgive me.

I've been telling myself for the past few months that I'm just in one of those "desert places" - which is a nice euphemism for saying "I just really don't care any more." Studying my journals makes me think it's not so much a temporary thing as an underlying condition. For a majority of the past few years my heart has been cold and unmoved, and I have done very little to change that. I haven't done anything to fight this apathy. Nor have I called out for God to save me from myself.

Because who knows what God might do if I honestly ask Him to wake me up? He might ask me to do something crazy. Something outside my comfort zone. And I'm going to be completely honest: I don't know if I love Jesus enough to step outside my comfort zone.

I want to love Him that much. I want to love Him enough to drop the act, get rid of all the pettiness, to step out and live my life one hundred percent for Him. But fear chokes me, holds me back, and has kept me in the same spot spiritually for years.

And I just let it happen. I let my circumstances dictate how I was going to live. I let the worry of bills stop me from even dreaming of a more meaningful life. I sat back and judged others while my own heart was a withered pit inside my chest. And I've been jealous of others who God has blessed with a ministry; I've mocked and belittled their work, refusing to see God's hand it in.

I'm rather overwhelmed by my own stupidity. I would beat my chest and rend my clothing, but I'm wearing one of my husband's shirts and I don't think he would appreciate it. Joking aside, God has been gracious enough to show me how big of a fool I am.

I know I can't get up from this computer and do anything to change this. That's a God thing. It's a grace thing. It's time for the hard part: to step back and let God do what He wills.

Today I browsed over an article about how the renown Stephen Hawkings has recently changed his ideas about God; he now believes there is enough evidence for the universe being created by the Big Bang and that God simply isn't needed to explain the universe's creation. My first reaction was anger. As the media is inundated with a more anti-Christian perspective, I find myself growing angry to the point that some days I have trouble reading the news at all.

But is this a Christian reaction?

As I was driving home and mulling over my reaction, I couldn't help but question how Jesus reacted to disbelief. We're told to expect it from the world -we'll be hated for our faith in Christ (see Matt. 10:22, Mark 13:13, Luke 21:17). So why do we react with such self-righteous indignation when the world acts like Christ promised it would? We really should have seen it coming.

But as I was driving and thinking, I realized I didn't know much about how Jesus reacted to unbelief. Yes, I've read the gospels dozens of times, but I've never really paid much attention to how Jesus handled those who were hostile towards Him.

I want to study His reactions. Get a new Bible, and read through the Gospels, study them, searching out his responses to those around Him, highlighting passages, taking notes....going deep. Of course, we all know the saying about good intentions. Maybe I won't get around to my little in-depth study. But it's definitely food for thought.

evangelism as duty

I have struggled with evangelism since I became a Christian. I'm a naturally shy person. Add years of being the victim of bullying, and the result is a person who is almost socially inept. I get nervous calling in a to-go order. Seriously. I either make my husband call or I find a place I can order online.

So when someone essentially hands me a stack of tracts and tells me to go hand them out, I panic. And when you imply that if I don't hand out said tracts (but rather sneak out the back door), that my salvation is in question, then I really start to prickle. There is nothing worse than being told that just because you don't have an overwhelming urge to go up and share your faith with strangers on the street that you don't really love Jesus.

To say that it irks me is an understatement. A few years ago at a church I used to attend, the pastor went through a sermon series on evangelism. The idea made me a little twitchy, but I was determined to sit through the entire series (and apply some of it to my life). A few weeks in, we came to the dreaded moment. After exhorting us for thirty minutes regarding our willingness to share our faith, we got to the invitation part of the service. With heads bowed and eyes closed, we were asked if we were ready to live as a witness for Jesus. And then the command came: "Raise your hand if your committed to sharing your testimony with five people this week." To my left and my right hands lifted in the air. My hands stayed clenched in my lap.

"No," I told myself. "I won't commit to that. I won't set an impossible goal for myself that I will only berate myself for not meeting. I won't feel guilty about this. I won't."

But then it got worse.

After a few moments, the pastor commented "I'm not sure why some people didn't raise their hands, but...." I didn't really pay attention to what else he said. It felt like a knife straight to my heart. I'm not stupid. I knew I was probably the only one in the sanctuary that hadn't held their hand up high. And even though everyone had their eyes closed, I felt like I was pointed out in the crowd. The pastor had let everyone know that someone didn't love Jesus very much.

I felt like someone had pinned a scarlet "A" to my chest.

I have nothing against people who can go out, pass out tracts and witness to the crowds. They rock my socks. I seriously admire people who can be standing in line at the pharmacy and turn a comment about the weather into a mini-presentation of the gospel that changes peoples lives. But it baffles me that some people want to pressure someone like me, who would probably hyperventilate and pass out cold, to do the same thing. It wouldn't be effective. No one is going to come to Jesus watching me have a full-blown panic attack.

The guilt is crippling. Thank God He sent His Son to free me from the weight of religious "ought-to's". Paul makes it clear that not everyone has the same spiritual gifts, and to try to use a gift that you don't have is like a foot trying to be a hand. I can force myself to go out and witness to strangers on the street. But I'm not going to be as effective as someone who has the gift of evangelism. And God has given me different gifts to use to glorify Him. I'll glorify God more by being the person He created me to be than being the person men think I ought to be.

amazed by grace

It's often said that God uses the most unlikely people to reach out to you in your time of need. This morning, that couldn't be more true.

Just yesterday I was trying to justify my recent abscence from the women's Bible study I attend. I rambled on as I got ready, listing off to my husband one excuse after another. I didn't feel like the other women in the study liked me. They hardly ever talked to me. I felt like the judged me. My husband listened patiently as I whined and then reminded me that the people didn't really matter, but my relationship with God did.

So I trudged on to Bible study, feeling reluctant and detached. As prayer requests were exchanged, I decided to be a little daring. I shared about my on-going struggle with depression and how the recent lost of my cat had sent me spiraling downward, triggering the worst symptoms. The ladies listened and encouraged me. I was a little surprised that I received no condemning looks. Many times before, mention of my depression had gotten me the "oh ye of little faith" look and pointless banter on how if I just trusted God more, the depression would poof!, disappear.

So I really wasn't expecting what happened this morning.

One of the ladies from Bible study came up to me first thing in the morning at work. I was little surprised to see her at my desk; we seldom talked outside of Bible study. As she talked about typical work stuff, she plunked down a women's devotional on my desk. Before she left, she gestured towards the book and told me she had picked it up for me. And with that she breezed off.

I picked up the devotional. Tucked inside was a card encouraging me, letting me know I wasn't alone in my struggles, reminding me I was being prayed for.

I called my husband, sniffling but smiling.