the hazards of journals

I've been reading through my older journals, marveling at how so many petty things seemed so monumentally important at the time. Tiffs between friends, minor grievances that were so important at the time, pages of teenage angst. It's laughable and highly embarrassing.

I did notice a pattern though: I seem to describe the same spiritual struggles, over and over and over again. Feeling spiritually "dry", struggling to attend church, neglecting quiet time and Bible study, out right ignoring prayer. The same themes run through each journal.

And I've been a Christian for over ten years.

Frankly, it's scary that I've seemingly not grown for the past decade. I've seen no victory, no triumph. I've studied theology, read through the Bible five times, read numerous Christian living books, but have I gotten anything out of it? Or has it all been outward motions, white-washed tombs?

All I can say is, Jesus, forgive me.

I've been telling myself for the past few months that I'm just in one of those "desert places" - which is a nice euphemism for saying "I just really don't care any more." Studying my journals makes me think it's not so much a temporary thing as an underlying condition. For a majority of the past few years my heart has been cold and unmoved, and I have done very little to change that. I haven't done anything to fight this apathy. Nor have I called out for God to save me from myself.

Because who knows what God might do if I honestly ask Him to wake me up? He might ask me to do something crazy. Something outside my comfort zone. And I'm going to be completely honest: I don't know if I love Jesus enough to step outside my comfort zone.

I want to love Him that much. I want to love Him enough to drop the act, get rid of all the pettiness, to step out and live my life one hundred percent for Him. But fear chokes me, holds me back, and has kept me in the same spot spiritually for years.

And I just let it happen. I let my circumstances dictate how I was going to live. I let the worry of bills stop me from even dreaming of a more meaningful life. I sat back and judged others while my own heart was a withered pit inside my chest. And I've been jealous of others who God has blessed with a ministry; I've mocked and belittled their work, refusing to see God's hand it in.

I'm rather overwhelmed by my own stupidity. I would beat my chest and rend my clothing, but I'm wearing one of my husband's shirts and I don't think he would appreciate it. Joking aside, God has been gracious enough to show me how big of a fool I am.

I know I can't get up from this computer and do anything to change this. That's a God thing. It's a grace thing. It's time for the hard part: to step back and let God do what He wills.

Today I browsed over an article about how the renown Stephen Hawkings has recently changed his ideas about God; he now believes there is enough evidence for the universe being created by the Big Bang and that God simply isn't needed to explain the universe's creation. My first reaction was anger. As the media is inundated with a more anti-Christian perspective, I find myself growing angry to the point that some days I have trouble reading the news at all.

But is this a Christian reaction?

As I was driving home and mulling over my reaction, I couldn't help but question how Jesus reacted to disbelief. We're told to expect it from the world -we'll be hated for our faith in Christ (see Matt. 10:22, Mark 13:13, Luke 21:17). So why do we react with such self-righteous indignation when the world acts like Christ promised it would? We really should have seen it coming.

But as I was driving and thinking, I realized I didn't know much about how Jesus reacted to unbelief. Yes, I've read the gospels dozens of times, but I've never really paid much attention to how Jesus handled those who were hostile towards Him.

I want to study His reactions. Get a new Bible, and read through the Gospels, study them, searching out his responses to those around Him, highlighting passages, taking notes....going deep. Of course, we all know the saying about good intentions. Maybe I won't get around to my little in-depth study. But it's definitely food for thought.