fighting mercy

My anxiety has raised it's ugly head this weekend, and it's seeping into all parts of my life. It seems I suffer the most in the spiritual sense during these times. I feel so restless and praying is essentially out of the question. And resting in the presence of God, just being still and knowing Him (meditation) only leaves me more unsettled as I try to suppress the nagging sensation that I should be doing something. I feel as if my body is wired not to rest and it rebels against me whenever I try to slow down and just simply be. Somewhere in my short history I learned that my worth is based on my performance. And I apply this myth to every aspect of my life: work, marriage, church, family, and my relationship with Christ. Sure, I can recite Ephesian 2: 8 and 9 (For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast - NIV) but somewhere deep inside of me screams out against this truth.

Part of me still feels like I have to prove to God that I deserve His mercy. Which of course is complete and utter nonsense. Mercy is not mercy if you have done something to deserve it. The Holman Bible Dictionary states "the most common words in the New Testament for mercy belong to the eleos family. In secular Greek, the word was often viewed as a sign of weakness, a sentimental inclination to be overly lenient." Granted, eleos is only one word used in the Scriptures that's translated as mercy, but I'd rather not get into an indepth word study at 9:40 on a Sunday night with work looming bright and early in the morning. Still, the idea of God being "overly lenient" with me is comforting. I blunder through each day, sometimes just grateful to make it out alive, not to mention how many times I failed my Savior that day. Still, Christ has a "sentimental inclination" to show me mercy, to the point most of us as humans would think He is just plain stupid to keep forgiving me.

This fact is what I truly love about my faith. Most people see Christianity as a giant list of "don'ts" when its really about the God who loves you no matter how many times you do the don'ts. This is a truth I want to reflect more and more in my life.

So I've learned something this weekend through all the anxiety...funny how that always happens.